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[19 Jul 2008|01:13pm] |
I don't know where to start, leaving out a chunk of time. It seems that's my consistancy. Vanishing for a chunk of time and coming back lost in translation of my own mind.
For the recent, I'm just coming off of a weeks bed rest. Ruptured ovarian cyst. I'm almost at 100%, but just not quite. My dreams are taunting me with sexual images. Bastards.
For the most part I would say I have the same frustrations and such as before. Still model for pleasure not business as I've never moved away to somewhere that was beneficial and instead feel crabby about there being no work here. Alas, I got a 8-5 to have steady income and now I feel trapped. All the traveling I did in my youth. Gone. Piss.
But I'm not sad for my changes, the heart is still young. And reinvigorized! Is that a word?
Right now I feel like I could conquer the world. But where to start? That's always been my problem.. where do things begin? Are there choices? I think too much. Anxiety, you know.
Finally I'm about to do something I've always wanted to that my anxiety kept me from doing.. burlesque. Yes, I know it's over done in this day and age but it had been a love of mine since before I hit puberty. The black and white films I grew up on, the stag films, the idea that I wouldn't be looked at like just a little awkward girl.. well.. I'm still awkward. Ha, still an A cup even. But fagettaboutit!
I've made costumes and built a pair of feather fans, picked out a few songs and am practicing a few steps. This is my downfall though I got 2 left feet.
Does time stand still? I hope so. Because I move like a snail, afraid to do everything I want to do. And yet putting it into words doesn't make it feel any less suffocating.
How do we become so afraid? As a kid I was fearless. Damn bodily chemicals.
Here's my stone for the pond.
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[19 Jul 2008|01:00pm] |
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Is anybody still out there?
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| Come away with me |
[08 Mar 2007|09:05pm] |
Time does the strangest things to you. Frightening and refreshing. Left unto yourself to unravel the world and your imagination.
Every once in a while, which for me is probably just a few months really, I realize something that shocks me. That widens my eyes and makes me feel hopeful and scared and like a little kid and like I'm getting too old too quick.
And that realization is there are hundreds of millions of faces I will never see. Miles of skin I'll never touch. A lifetime of everyday experiences and stories I'll never hear. And it effects me so much I become overwhelmed by it. That I'm moved by it and feel tha I should cry for all the beautiful things in individuals and people I will never know first hand.
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[12 Jan 2007|10:41pm] |
Wow, where do I start.
[LIST]
Ok, this Sunday I'm doing a photoshoot. I'm going to squeeze in time to do a SG shoot on that day. So, fingers crossed I'm going to submit another replacement set.
I officially start working fulltime Monday. And should have insurance coverage in 3 months.
Still doing auctions, otherwise I wouldn't be eating.
Boyfriend and I are sitting down to figure out our scheduled days off since now I'll work mornings and he works graveyard shift nights.
Might be making my own latex clothes soon.
Want to apprentice to be a piercer sometime this year.
Got a new bike.
My sister is moving 2 hours away with a guy after dating him 5 months and having already broken up 3 times.
I need to join modelmayhem.
Organize my house.
Get some painting done.
[/LIST]
That's all the thoughts going on in my head right now. The last few occurred as I was typing and I realized it started becoming more like a to-do list.
But there's a lot going on and I'm looking forward to change this year. I want to grow and develope.
I'm looking in to getting a schwinn scooter this summer. It will really help me being mobile. They're about 700 but I can't do that in a lump sum, so I'm looking at options. Though my major concern is I have nowhere to house it. My apartment complex has a back parking lot that faces a very busy street and my neighborhood isn't exactly the safest against trouble/theft. No fences etc for chaining or anything, it is a puzzlement.
There's a lot of crafty sort of things i've always wanted to try and haven't gotten around to because to start it means getting machines and materials I don't have money for. Like making dreadfalls for myself. Clothes. Things for the house. I'm not good with my imagination that way. I can see how something should look but don't have the know how to make it happen and end up botching it very badly.
I'm going to try and stick to this feeling of wanting to use my whit and hands together for making stuff. Over the summer I did make my dog a bed and it kicks ass.
More thoughts later, must eat.
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[22 Dec 2006|06:44pm] |
The holidays are wonderful and they suck. They are both, you just have to accept it.
With that said, I don't beleive it's the holidays that are fueling this feeling that keeps creeping up on me. That feeling of having lost yourself somewhere along the way. Of kind of "opening your eyes" one day to realize you've fallen into a pattern and it's much unlike the way you were when you can recall having contentment in other times of your life.
For most people I don't think this happens but once in a chance of life. For me it's almost annually. Was I so sure of who I was before, or having lost most of the people I care for around me have I lost a sense of self? it's a funny thing, that. Falling out of certain family or society circles that gives you a feeling of lack. Or the same in the changes of time.
Though, for me, I think a part of this is I'm living my days waking sleeping working and that's pretty much it and doing all of those as closely timed to each other as possible. I've lost a sense of my love for life, but it's more of a feeling of something having been removed too. Like some random childhood feeling of... what I can't put my finger on. A fuzzy memorable feeling of being more spiritually balanced and possibly carefree. Oh youth, so fleeting.
Am I the only person that feels this way? Or am I talking crazies again? It's alright. You can tell me. I'm used to it.
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[16 Oct 2006|07:45pm] |
So excited!
Yesterday I bought a couple of pumpkins and have them sitting out on the porch to keep cold before cutting.
Now the only problem I have is the lad and I have no artistic talents. I've always been so bad at cutting pumpkins. I've even been flipping through old magazines I keep form halloween and looking online. Think I'll just have to buy one of those pattern books.
Today is a rainy day. A lazy feeling rainy day where I odn't have motivation to do much. Work is inevitable(sp) and becoming depressing. They gave me only 24 hours next week, but say that I should get a really good boost in hours next month I just have to wait out the last few weeks of October. Been looking for part time work, nothing that suits my ever changing schedule yet.
I've noticed too that my sleep pattern is fucked 7 ways from sunday now that I work all nights. I wake up in mid or late afternoon where I used to always be up at least by 11am or noon. Not sure I'm liking this.
Yesterday I finally got to see Tipping the Velvet. I was really surprised to see how well it was done as the book was pretty damn graphic. The did the best they could for it being a BBC television series in 3 parts. Over all I really liked it. The only thing they changed was the setting in the ending.
Now that most of our movies are out of the way I get to finish the second season of farscape. *does a dance*
Still haven't heard back from SG headquarters on if they've recieved my replacement set so I don't know if it's acceptable yet. Though this was shot a bit better than my initial set, it's still not the eye popping perfect quality of all the very professional sets I've seen going up lately. I'll keep my fingers crossed. I would really like to get a set live so that I can get more up and maybe do a double set with someone. We'll see we'll see.
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[06 Oct 2006|11:15pm] |
Last night was interesting and a little disappointing.
I was supposed to be stagehanding for the burlesque show but was given the wrong show time in an email and didn't arrive until there was only 30 minutes left in the show. I was pretty bummed that I missed almost everything, but still waited and said hello to the girls, who were sweet and chatty.
Met up with Nic, Tina and Russell there, hung out with Nic at the apartment with Andy kicking back some beers. Wasn't a bad night overall.
Glimpsed Twwllys set the other night and couldn't stop feeling squishy warm about it.
I have the house to myself for a few hours tonight and I haven't any idea what to do with myself. It's so strange going form living by yourself where you putter your time on random stuff to living with someone where you're s used to the m being around that it just feels odd when they're not. We're going on 3 months of living together and about 8 months of being together. That doesn't sound like a lot but we've spent every day of those 8 months togther and I mean it quite literally.
Ooh, cramps. >_< Is it funny that when I'm having my period and get cramps and such that I am reminded that I still love being a woman? Sometimes, it's just fucking fantastic. And I love it.
Still considering what I might do to make up lost hours at work. Haven't come up with much yet and unfortunately I haven't found anything decent in the papers I'd want to apply for. The hunt goes on.
I feel so a.d.h.d right now.
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[02 Oct 2006|02:48pm] |
It's kind of strange coming back to live journal. I go and look at my friends list and I honestly can't remember much information or details about the people there aside from those I had gotten "close" to at some point. So, out of a hundred or so I remember a small handful. Internet it weird like that.
I've mostly been posting on Suicidegirls, but it's a bunch of dribble so I won't copy it over here. Mostly aout me being poor and what I'm planning on selling to make a bit of cash. A lot of sentimental pieces will be going because it's all I have left to sell. Including some latex, stab me now.
There's so many things I SHOULD be doing right now and.. it leaves me feeling dreaded to do them. So, I'm not. But,... eh.. maybe in a bit. More money crap and getting some help from the government. Who knew.
I think I mis talking to a lot of people from here. I'm starting to miss a lot of things from my past that the turning of seasons makes me remember. The way a lot of things used to be that I was involved in. Doesn't seem like I can do much of it now, I've change a bit sicne meeting Andy. Like I'm too shy to be myself because he's soooo laid back lil hardcore boy. And, hell.. I used to be a Dom at one point. It's that whole self conversational of losing ones self. I think we all do that about twice a year. Unless you were lucky to be successful, then maybe not.
Doot doot doot. Omg a second post in about 2 days. Snap.
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[01 Oct 2006|02:40pm] |
Wow. So, it's been about 5 months since I last updated Livejorunal. That's a little crazy.
What can I catch you up on in the last 5 months... I've moved into South City Botanical Gardens district, which is very nice. But, I really miss UNiversity City to be honest. It had a bit of me and I always think about it. I went from 2 jobs to 1, though that might change soon or work altogether might change. Money is severely tight, in a sense there's not enough for basic living, so I'm broadening my options. Modeling is something that more fell into the past. I stopped caring and trying to compete in this city since there's no money in it and I do'nt feel like moving to another city. So, I do a few projects here and there as a hobby if I can get it around work. Promotions are a lot better, but few.
Oh, I cut my hair. It's not down past my hips anymore. It's somewhere around my shoulderblades/chest. And It's a darker brown/black instead of honey brown. I miss that too. Mostly the color and how lovely it was so long. But it was a royal pain in the ass.
I've also found someone that I've been with for the last 6 months, everyday for the last 6 months. Love is definately there. And yet, it makes me wonder. Is this for me? I think we all have that question. Especially when we're used to being alone and unruled. But I think of my future. Is he best for me? Am I considering this too early? This being the thought of having someone in your future. And I know that makes me selfish to think he may not because at present we're both struggling. And well, I'm struggling a little bit because of him. But that feels too private for me to talk about here. Because I'm not trying to make him out to be anything negative. I'm just definately more of the provider of the pair.
I may be stagehanding for the upcoming St.Louis Suicidegirls burlesque show. That ought to be fun. Last year I was disappointed. A bit in the act, because it was all the same and things I used to do ages ago when I was a fetish performer and I guess I felt it should had ben more considering how much money they run with,.. but also in the "staff". I've said it in other forums. It was catty. Trying to introduce myself ot the other girls of the show since we're both of the same site,.. well.. was rude on their part. But I'll give it another shot.
Ok, I'm done typing.
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| For you I. |
[22 Apr 2006|10:16am] |
Can you feel broken without being brokenhearted? Wanting to cry til your body gives in to exhaustion. Scream til your voice leaves you dry and choking air.
A weight that can't be lifted. A cure that hasn't developed.
The price of being "sensitive". A term I adopted from friend.
Compassion for the world and it's forever growing lifes is the beginning of the explaination. The rest is what some would call having a "third eye", though most would call craziness.
In a small moment of knowing you or maybe just a catching glimpse, an electronic "hello". And I can love you. And feel your suffering. It's such a small thing to say, at times like now, I feel the sorrows of the worlds-lives-voices ad faces. I'l never know to touch. Tears I'll never be able to kiss away. Bodies I can't hold and cry with and comfort.
But I can feel each of them like a sea. I call you my sea of sorrows. You have become a part of me. You're in my life and dear to it. Though it is not to say that you are my air and the beat of my heary that keps me going, but my balance and inspiration. Or even my one regret. My regret that I cannot be your lost love or departdd life. I cannot be the cure for your illnesses or physically comfort you to let you knoe that Yes.. there is a care in the world. Even if you've never heard my name or voice or saw my face.
I would be the one who smiled to you. Kissed away your fears. Held your pain and screamed for you. Showed you passion as a lover to heal your weeping spirit.
I will carry you in my breath when I moarn for you. In my footsteps as I march for you. In my hands so that when I touch you can be there. Though I may one day love you will be there in reservation that I shall not, will not forget or part with what I found of you on the winds when you needed someone the most. When I cried with you. And loved you then.
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| moodscaping the midnight lullaby |
[19 Jan 2006|10:31pm] |
The sound of a well played piano will almost always make me cry, if not beneath my skin.
Breath catches and time burns. Musky warmth reds yellows and golds.
A violin, blues of the sea. Green of the moores.
Flutes air, wind for the birds to sleep upon.
The greatest movement without words. Inspiration of dreams. A haunted melody. The beat that will always bring you home to your own plush velvety thoughts.
My lover and heartbreaker.
The saddest rainy day.
You're always there.
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| bloody rome |
[08 Jan 2006|09:06pm] |
I hate the world lately
Even more I've hated myself for the past while
People come and go, so very few stay. So very few care, genuine.
Maybe I'm being moody, maybe I'm depressed. It's not enough to try and analyze what you're feeling and not acknowledge them
I think of blades. Violence. Bleeding in me. Slide down. Snip snip bloody puppet strings, veins so poorly living.
Touch the tendril, reach inside. Sinew wet with straining.
Find the pluck the thrum of humming, like tears in rain it's drowning.
No matter what I've done today I can't get myself warm. Maybe salisbury steak.
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[29 Nov 2005|04:20pm] |
Sooo, I've always known that my heartbeat was not "normal" or as healthy sounding as it should be. It would stop at random sometimes and in the last few years has felt that sometimes it stops pumping blood out while filling with blood and then gushes everything out.. It wasn't common. Happened once or twice. Now it happens every few months, minor ones that's almost difficult to feel.
It would seem that a deffective heart valve runs in my family and that's what I have from talking with random members. I'm undiagnosed though. And needless to say looking for an insurance I can afford. Either way financially I'll be fucked or just dead.
Aahhh things are looking up.
Update to th is xposted in other places: I am currently seeking out insurance to get diagnoses and treatment rolling. Sopoken with some truthworthy medical minds and they concure with what was said above. However, what is happening is myheart is backwashing blood into the chambers because of the heart valve not operating at proper and as a result of this my heart does very strange palpatation/pauses/swelling which they beleive could be enlarging my heart. Surgery looks like a definate in my future but apparently it's a very simple procedure.
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[29 Sep 2005|12:17am] |
Suicidegirls.com is bringing their burlesque show here to St.Louis on October 19th at Pop's in east st.louis.
Some of you know I am a SG under the name Giselle so you'll definately see me there. I _MAY_ perform with the show or do merch, nothing is certain.
This could turn out to be a huge event!
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[25 Sep 2005|03:21pm] |
| Your Birthdate: April 3 | 
Being born on the 3rd day of the month is likely to add a good bit of vitality to your life.
The energy of 3 allows you bounce back rapidly from setbacks, physical or mental.
There is a restlessness in your nature, but you seem to be able to portray an easygoing, "couldn't care less" attitude.
You have a natural ability to express yourself in public, and you always make a very good impression.
Good with words, you excel in writing, speaking, and possibly singing.
You are energetic and always a good conversationalist.
You have a keen imagination, but you tend to scatter your energies and become involved with too may superficial matters.
You are affectionate and loving, but sometimes too sensitive.
You are subject to rapid ups and downs. |
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[12 Sep 2005|11:00pm] |
FINALLY I have a new box up and running!
Right now it's still being pieced together with my old hard drives that are away having all my files retrived. So the only thing I can do is surf the web and chat, which I haven't done in an age. It feels a bit alien, really.
I'm a little excited, having just heard word from friends in Chicago a photographer I'd met on my last visit has been inquiring about me and wants to get me into his studio. Very stoked. Def in need of new material and from the stories I've heard he's a very good repetable photographer in Chicago. I only remember his first name, Joe. Sweet fellow.
Don't know what the hell I'm doing as far as getting the website whipped up and into existance. Have a few friends to give me pointers, otherwise I'm lost. Now my great difficulty I find is taking a stage name formyself. I'm wanting to keep my first name, Jessica, though I'll need a stage last name.n *ponder ponder* Feel free to throw me suggestions.. Much appreciative.
On a down note, I've started smoking again. Can't be helped. None but my own fault not beign able to resist when around other smokers, especially other chainsmokers. It won't last long, I'm sure. But damn is it pleasurable.
Now that I'm back online I will try to keep this blog updated as frequently as I am able.
<3
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[30 Aug 2005|10:11pm] |
I'm a bit overdue for an update.
Took a trip to Chicago for the weekend. Yeah, the convention thing.
Te convention was sad but we made the most of it. Generally it was a lot of playmates, nothing very pinup about the one in Chicago, though I hear L.A is a big pinup riot. Oh well.
For all of that day I wore my purple latex dress until late in the evening, went by the Echo Gallery, got my picture taken a lot.. people are so fascinated by latex. Met a few connections I'm looking forward to working with when I go back up to visit sometime in later October. I actually didn't take any photos of myself all pinup and in latex so I'm hoping to find them somewhere on the web from all the people who took them. One could hope, it may happen.
Coming back to St.Louis kind of sucked, but always feel that way when I come back here from anther city. It feels so drag but also so quiet and comfortable its funny how that works. BUT I did get to come back to a waiting pair of arms and lips and that was the greatest part about coming back to this city. His is eyes closest to my favorite color, how often do you come across such a treasure? Far and few.
Life is simple, I am mostly without stress, starting to feel balanced. Maybe I won't have just jinxedmyself and it will continue to be that way for a time to come.
Thanks to my dears in Chicago I think I'm going to get my ass moving to get comp cards put tgoether and a lot of my modeling material finished over so I can finally get a website up, however small it may be for starting. Modeling has been something I've dearly enjoyed doing and its been some time since I've gotten to do any work in it.. It's a sad thing to let fall through my fingers. Pitch me an email if you feel you may want to be in touch about any modeling work. I love all kinds of projects, the more artistic the better.
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| billy idol.. |
[30 Jul 2005|12:14am] |
Billy fucking Idol....
Yeah, I just came home from his concert. It was awesome, what I got to see of it. This was a rescheduled show so this time there wasn't an opening act so I was late and missed about 40 minutes of play. But hell, I was just happy to be there. He still does one hell of a show. And he's in damn fine shape.
Got to hear a few classics at least form his early days in the '90s and a song from X generation too.
All in all a good time was had.
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[21 Jul 2005|11:57pm] |
A dream is a wish the heart makes..
when it's fast asleep.. In dreams you will lose your heartaches..
So many questions that I can't answer. I think they won't be
answered. Because they have to be answered by the one person that
isn't there.
Energy built up upon itself until you lose who you think you might be or where your thoughts originated.
Static thought flow. Numb in the flesh speeding to the bone.. Day to
day anticipation of the things that aren't there. Dream amongst
dreams. Love against time.
Nervous pulses. Tick. The phone that never rings, the hand so eager to pick it up to say hello.. Tick.
Falling on the footpaths. Some spiraled turn, with no map to lead.
Here I am on Man's Road. Walking Man's Road, my last unicorn.
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[20 Jul 2005|12:05pm] |
I've gained myself a new stalker it would seem.
He's shown up to my job twice, sent disturbingly perverted email and
just today on my way to work.. tried to chase me down Delmar blvd.
Lost him amongst some cars when he almost got hit by one trying to get
to where I was across the street.
Doesn't know where I live
but he knows I live in the area. Yeah, all I can think is "fuck".
Like I need this shit right now. But it's part of the reason I carry a
300,000 volt stungun.
I have a sliver of hope left in mankind, once it fades I'm holing myself away from the world and becoming a lesbian.
The past week has been interesting. Not in order is mostly the past week maybe week & half:
Goth rollerskating. Yes, it's in existance. And actually a lot of damn fun.
A few hours later close friends and I apparently barely missed possible serious injury or death when a car gets totaled.
A surprise visitor this weekend.
1 day off between 2 weeks, most of which being all 8 hour days.
Not knowing if I have my man or not..
Tailbone still cracked.
Got a raise.
lbought harry potter.
Pretty boring huh? I'm an emotional mess so I'm trying to keep
myself busy with work which hopefully will give a good pay off, but
I'll break halfway through all the shifts. Maybe I'll get blown up
and not have to worry.
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